Sarah Jayne’s Journey

Okay so I have really fallen behind on posting here and need to jump back in and try to get back into the mindset of daily accountability.  I haven’t had an official weigh in since my last post so I don’t know how much (if anything) I have lost.  The next weigh in at the nurse is Friday so I will find out soon.

In  the last month I haven’t been all *that* bad but I don’t think I have been all that good either.  Anthony and myself have kept up going for our morning hour or so walk on most weekdays and that has been a good thing to keep us moving.  We did host two parties though (Eurovision and a joint bachelor/bachlorette party) and that meant a lot of party food and not really counting calories for days at a time. So, I am hoping the weighin isn’t too bad.

My goal between now and the wedding - which is on July 19th - is to try to be about 225lbs or bellow.  The reason is because I know that on the honeymoon we will not be eating fantastically (though, I am not going to go out of my way to eat horribly either) and I would like to drop enough that even if I gain a few pounds over that period that I am still in the 220’s on our return.   Having not been weighed this month I have no idea how close I am to that already but we shall see on Friday.

Anyway, my challenge I am setting to myself is to have no ‘cheats’ until we get married on the 19th of July.  Now, the reason I am saying ‘cheats’ is because on my weigh in day I always allow myself a takeaway meal and that is suppose to be the only really bad meal I have that month (doesn’t always work out that way but it is the aim).  So, this Friday we shall be having a much longed for pizza.  So, other than that I want to go to the 19th without eating any rubbish and I want to make sure that I have counted my calories on the vast majority of those days.  Not only should this help me drop some weight and hopefully reach the 225 goal for the wedding but also it should help to make sure my skin and hair look as good as they can for the day.  Plus, you just feel better and more energetic after a long stint of eating well and exercising (if only we could remember that as well as we can remember how good chocolate tastes).

So, that is the challenge..let’s see how it pans out.

For the past two days Anthony’s dad has been staying with us.  He has very kindly come down on the train to help us fix our shower that broke last week.  It is a very nice thing of him to do especially as he is 70 years old (but a young 70, if you know what I mean) and I am very grateful to him.  The only problem for me is that every time we have house guests I really start to stress inside about calories.

You may have been able to tell from the posts that I have made so far that I am a bit obsessive about counting calories.  It isn’t fun but I need to do it and I know that if I let myself slack off too much then my weight loss stalls.

However, as soon as there is more than myself and Anthony to cook for I just give up counting what goes into the meals I cook.  I don’t fully know what my problem is because it is just a matter of dividing the calories that go into the meal by how many people are eating.  I do that every single night when I cook for two so doing it by three or four really shouldn’t be any more difficult yet I don’t.

I think perhaps it is an embarrassment thing.  Nobody I know well enough to stay at my home is going to be critical of me for writing down everything I put into a meal and counting up calories but yet in some way it almost feels like a private activity that shouldn’t be seen by others.  Not at all rational, I know.
Then there is the fact that the food I am making most of time these days isn’t that kind of food most people eat.  For example, my (soon to be) father in law wouldn’t know what to do with a vegetarian stew if put it in front of him.  So, I think I go to pains to not put people in the position of eating something they might not like rather than worry about my own weight loss.

In actuality I don’t think I am doing that badly.  I made a fairly low fat chicken dish with rice yesterday and I will be making a chilli con carne  tonight that will be as low fat as I can possibly make it and still make it taste okay.  It is just that because I am not counting those calories at the evening meal I just give up on it for the rest of the day.  I am not eating badly for those other meals.  In fact, I am pretty much eating the exact same things but I just hate that I let myself ‘guess’ for two days about my calories rather than just put my weight loss first and pleasing people second.

Today is election day in London where we are voting for our mayor. There are also local elections around the whole of the country but in my neck of the woods the London Mayor race really is the only one getting proper attention. I am a bit (okay a lot of) of a politics nut and I never miss the chance to vote (in two countries, actually).

It was seriously pouring down with rain all day so no matter what time of day I went it was going to be a wet walk to the polling station. I put it off as long as I could but eventually I went out and of course came back cold and wet. So, I wanted to do something warming and filling for our meal tonight.

I was pretty good for my first two meals of the day with cereal and a salad as normal and I wanted to keep on track even though I wanted something comforting. So, I reached for one of my new favourite foods - pearl barley.

I never cooked pearl barley until about a year ago when I decided to try it and now we usually have it in some form once a week. It is really cheap and very filling which is a great combo for anybody and it is even better for those of us watching what we eat because it is very low fat and is a slow burning carb such as that which is good for diabetics and those of us on Low GI plans.

This is the barley dish I came up with tonight. I am a spice wimp and so I used mild chili powder but if you like things hotter use a hotter powder.

Spicy Tomato and Bean Barley Bake - Serves 4

Ingredients:

1 onion, chopped
1 cup carrot, sliced medium thickness
1 cup celery, chopped
1 1/4 cups mushroom, sliced
1 cup pearl barley
1 (15 ounce) can pinto beans, drained
5 cups V8 vegetable juice
1 1/2 tablespoons garlic powder
2 tablespoons mild chili powder
2 1/2 ounces fat free sharp cheddar cheese, shredded

Directions:

Preheat your oven to 425 degrees.

Use an oven proof dish casserole or pot that can also be used on the stovetop and put over a medium heat on the stove.

Once the pot is hot spray with some non-stick cooking spray or use a bit of oil if you wish and put the onions in and fry off for about 5 minutes until they are going soft.

Add the carrots, celery and mushrooms and continue to cook for another 5 minutes, stirring often.

Add the pearl barley and the pinto beans and stir through for 2 minutes.

Add the V8, garlic powder and chili powder and stir to make sure everything is well combined.

Cover and put into the oven and cook for about 1 hour and 15 minutes. Keep checking it now and then to make sure it isn’t going dry. It is done when the barley is tender and most of the juices are absorbed.

Take out of the oven and dish out onto serving plates or bowls and then divide the cheese between the dishes and sprinkle on top. Serve.

My next weigh in is in 12 days so I am really going to try to eat as little meat as possible between now and then. I know I will have two days next week when I will have to as we have a house guest but other than that I am going to aim for as many meatless meals as possible such as this one.

This morning when the alarm went off to wake myself and Anthony up to go for our morning walk we both grumbled and hit snooze.  Anthony went back to sleep to catch and extra hour of sleep before having to leave for work.  I stayed in bed for a few moments and then even though I was still really tired something in me made me get up.  I went to the room next door and got on the exercise bike and did 40 minutes while Anthony caught up his (not needed) beauty sleep.  With the help of two episodes of My Name Is Earl  I managed to burn about 400 calories (if I believe the website I use to estimate calorie burn) when I could have been sleeping.

When Anthony woke up he came into the exercise room and mumbled about how he really should have gone for a walk but was too tired. Then he commented that what he needed to do  was stay consistent.  I have been thinking about that throw away comment of his now and then throughout the day.  He is exactly right.  Rather than stressing about every single calorie taken in or burned the thing that is probably most effective in my weight loss is staying consistent.  It doesn’t matter that much if I eat 1500 or 1600 calories in any given day as much as it matters that over a long period I am continually in that range. If I do that then the odd ‘mistake’ will be forgiven by my body.

I think that may have been what my inner dieting coach was telling me when it kicked me out of bed and put me on the exercise bike.

Other than that today was pretty good food wise.   I had my usual high fibre cereal with skim milk and fruit for breakfast, a big salad for lunch and a vegetable and bean chilli w/ steamed greens on the side for my evening meal with a low fat ice cream afterwards.  All of which came to 1585 calories.   I managed to cut down on my salad dressing calories (and fat) today by using very low fat fromage frais (like a creamier cottage cheese) instead of a creamy salad dressing and just mixed in some fat free dressing with it and it went a long way.

I suppose the weekend wasn’t all that bad. I didn’t count calories on Sunday and treated myself to an ice cream cone and that did make me feel guilty to a degree but it was the only really ‘bad’ thing that I had eaten all week. Still, the most important thing following a day when I haven’t counted calories is to get right back into counting them the next day because one lazy day breeds very quickly with me.

So, today I am proud enough that I managed to get myself right back on track. I find that if I don’t start the week doing things correctly then I am less likely to have a good week.

Anthony woke me up at 7am and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. I work from home and I don’t start until 9am so I usually am still asleep when he leaves but then get up at 8am and do some time on the exercise bike. Since he asked though, I got up with him and we went on a walk that lasted about 50 minutes. I would have done more calories on 40 minutes of the bike but I would happily give up burning a few calories to get 50 minutes of chatting with him as we walk. Even if it does mean getting up early…I think.

I ate pretty well too. I had cereal with skim milk for breakfast with two mandrian oranges on the side. Then I had a salad with a little bit of low fat ham and cheese on top and a fat free dressing for lunch. I have been having more meat that I generally like to have lately. So, I went for a meatless evening meal tonight and made ‘Moroccan spaghetti’. All of which left me with the total of 1,464 calories for the day. Hopefully that goes some way for making up for that ice cream yesterday.

For those of you on the look out for low fat recipes, here is the one for the meal we had tonight. It was a very low fat meal and it is really good for those of us that have insulin issues or follow low GI plans because all of the carbs in it are slow burning and low gi. You don’t have to use the whole wheat pasta but I do because it is really packed with fiber and as much as it is a bit gross, fibre is what both fills us up and helps to get rid of the fat.

Moroccan Spaghetti - serves 4

Ingredients:

11 ounces whole wheat spaghetti
1 red onion, chopped finely
3 garlic clove, crushed
1 cup mushroom, sliced
28 ounces chopped tomato, from a can
2 teaspoons cinnamon
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 teaspoon turmeric
1 pinch salt
1 pinch black pepper
10 ounces chickpeas, from a can, drained and rinsed
3/4 cup fresh parsley, roughly chopped
3/4 cup fresh cilantro, roughly chopped

Directions:

Put spaghetti in a large pot of boiling water and cook as long as the packet suggests. Mine takes 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, heat a non-stick pan and spray with low fat cooking spray.

Add the onions, garlic and mushrooms and sautee until they start to get soft which was about 5 minutes for me. If they start to stick just put in a splash of water. This is a good way to ‘fry’ things without fat.

Add the tomatoes, cinnamon, cumin, turmeric and salt and pepper and lightly simmer for about 8 minutes stirring frequently.

Stir in the chickpeas and heat just long enough to cook through, about 3 minutes.

Stir in the fresh herbs and just mix through until they start to wilt.

Add in cooked spaghetti and stir to make sure all of the pasta is coated in the sauce.

Serve.

For anybody that is looking for more low fat recipes, Recipezaar is a really good place to exchange them. My profile page is here but there are a lot of low fat / low calorie cooks there too.

Weekends can be a disaster for me with sticking to the diet.  I don’t really ever eat all that badly these days in the way of true junk food but I am less likely to count calories on the weekend and then slip into bigger portions and even big portions of otherwise good food can put on pounds.  I should be happy that these days my idea of the perfect weekend treat is to have some marinated artichokes rather than the chocolate and crisps of the past.  Yet, all the while I am having those yummy marinated artichokes I am thinking ‘oh my god, I am eating something packed in oil’.  Now, deep inside I know that it is irrational but I worry that I will stray too far.  Sort of like an alcoholic not being able to allow themselves one drink.

Weekends are hard for counting calories because we are more likely not to be in the house most of the day so there might be mystery meals out or we might have people over and then I don’t want to subject them to my low fat stuff (though that is mostly because most of my friends just won’t eat veggies unless they are hidden).  Even on the weekends when we are in the house the whole time it is still different because I am not the only one here for two out of the three meals, as is the case during the week.

See, I can rattle off so many excuses to give myself the weekend off from counting calories.  Since this weekend is one of the stay at home weekends I decided to make myself count calories.

I have done pretty well, really.  The basic run-down of what I had to eat today was:

Breakfast:

Sultana Bran Cereal (sultanas are like raisins) with skim milk - 247 calories

Lunch:

Big chef salad with low fat cheese and 2 slices of wholemeal bread - 504 calories

Dinner:

Low fat chicken curry with microwave rice -  761 Calories

Total daily calories:  1512

I reckon for a 237 pound, 5 foot 2 woman 1512 calories is pretty darn good especially for a Saturday.  So, what am I feeling guilty about?  The stupid microwave rice.

Firstly, I don’t usually have rice even though I really like it simply because it eats up calories and isn’t the most slow burning of carbs and I really aim for low GI stuff because I have insulin resistance. I will usually cook rice for Anthony ( my partner) but skip it for myself and have a green veg like broccoli or kale instead.  Secondly, I have worked hard not to go for convenience foods.  I now cook the majority of meals from scratch with the exception of a low fat/calorie cooking sauce now and then.  So, putting rice in the microwave for 2 minutes almost felt dirty in some odd way.  Then to top it all off that rice was 300 calories.

It amazes me that these days I feel nagging guilt when I eat something that is 300 calories.   I mean, I ate that over two hours ago and it is nagging me a bit still.  I am sure in the past I have put 300 calories of chocolate down my throat without even a second thought but rice (that was actually pretty healthy) bugs me now?  I suppose those nagging things are good on a level because they keep me on  track a bit but I do need to keep that second little voice of reason alive in my head to bitch slap the nagging voice on unreasonable guilt now and then.

I wasn’t sure if it was too late into my weight loss ‘journey’ to start a blog. After all, people do tend to do these things from the beginning and I am doing it halfway through my rather long journey. However, I decided that it is better late than never and that includes the blog.

I can’t really say when my start date was because I didn’t sit down and decide it was going to be the day I started to lose weight. For similar reasons I can’t say for sure my actual starting weight. I sort of played with losing weight for years. I would go on whatever diet (often weight watchers) and lose pretty much the same 15 pounds and then I just couldn’t get any lower than that. Then it would all come back on and bring a pound or more with it. I have known for a number of years that I have PCOS (polycystic ovaries) and I guess I was using that as my reason (excuse) to accept that I was getting stuck at the same weight loss each time.

Then on November 24,2004 my world totally and very suddenly changed. My husband, who I had been married to for 8 years and two days shy of 1 month, had a heart attack and died. He had been left disabled due to an accident some years before and those injuries contributed but he was a very big man that didn’t really watch his diet and that no doubt was the real contribution that  horrid night.

For the year or so after that I played around with weight loss a couple times again. I even joined a gym which for me was a massive step because just the idea filled me with horrible flashbacks to gym class. Still, I kept hitting that same place. Then one day after a night of really hating my lack of willpower and browsing pages about weight loss surgery I decided to swallow my pride and go to my doctor and ask for help.

She was very helpful and could see that I had lost some weight on my own and asked me if I would be comfortable trying Xenical. Now, of course I had read about Xenical and I was filled with visions of spending the rest of my life on the loo. Plus, in my life I have spent so much time in the BBW community and weight loss medications were always such a taboo topic not the least because so many people in the community had tried then and died. Still, what I also knew was it was one of the few around that didn’t mess with your brain but only your guts.

In desperation I decided I would really try with Xenical. I soon found out that if I stuck to the rules (less than 40 grams of fat a day) there were no loo related problems at all and the weight started to slowly move down. It took a long time but finally I had broken that barrier I had never been bellow but it was still moving slowly. Still, slow was better than nothing.

Then my real breakthrough happened about a year into taking Xenical and losing very slowly. It dawned on me that even though the materials I was given when I started taking Xenical set fat gram limits it didn’t mention calories at all. Calories had always been evil and calorie counting to be avoided at all cost in my past. At this stage though I was already writing down every thing I ate and counting fat grams. So, decided to count calories too. As soon as I started doing that the weight began to move much faster.

I don’t know why it took me so long but after finally taking calories into consideration I realised that even though I could have barely any fat in my daily diary I could still get a ton of calories. For example, pasta has very little fat but a lot of calories. So, I started eating to be low calorie and low fat and really if I watched the calories the fat fell in place. I like big meals and so I wanted to get the most food I could for as little calories. This lead to me ditching most of the meat from my diet and eating largely vegetarian meals. I am not at all a vegetarian but by keeping meat to a few times a week my weight and my lifestyle finally changed.

I am nervous because in July I will have been on Xenical for two years and in the UK you can only be on it two years and then you are required to stop. I am nervous about going it alone but the nurse that I see to get weighed every month pointed out that with how little fat I am eating and how closely I am counting my calories that Xenical has probably had little to do with my weight loss. In other words, it was training wheels that let me find the way to do it myself.

Still, I am nervous that maybe it was the need to go get weighed by the nurse every month that has kept me so strict with myself.

I have lost nearly 75 pounds but I have a very long way to go and it is going to be slow. That is why I am deciding to start this now so that maybe I won’t be going it as alone as I think I will be. Perhaps that will keep me on track and allow me to prove to myself that it isn’t the Xenical that has achieved this but it has been me and it will be continued.

I am getting married again on July 19th. The same week I stop taking Xenical so I want the start of this new life to be strong and confident.

Anyway, hello and I promise my normal posts will be a lot shorter..lol